Mama is a Windup Doll

May 23, 2011 – 2am

Dad wakes me up
Says mom can’t move
I prepare for what I don’t know
I go to mom’s room
I see dad in the dark hallway
praying
applying the blood of jesus
on the doorpost to her room
I go in
and I see her like a wind up doll
walking into the foot of her bed
trying to get to the other side
but she doesn’t know how to go around
Dad says she’s been like that for half an hour
I snap her out of it

Go back to my room
I leave mom with dad
and I’m feeling a little freaked out
Feels like I’m in a christian horror movie
and i can’t sleep
cuz I don’t know if they need me
So I go back
and dad is praying
I don’t know if he’s scared
but I don’t want to pray
cuz i already prayed
that God takes her home
and spares her of this
the rotting of the mind
while still alive
But daddy loves her
and he’s fighting hard for her miracle
I don’t want to try and raise the dead
because death is better than life

And as these words
come off my fingertips
dad comes again
says mama is on the floor
she fell and can’t get up
And I wonder what is happening
surge of emotion
some quiet tears
I go
I get her up
She’s not hurt
just confused
She’s a foot from her bed
and she doesn’t know where the bed is

help me pray for her deliverance
ask God with me
to take her home to be with Jesus
I don’t want her here anymore
This is not good for her

My stomach is burning
but her decline
perhaps means Heaven
isn’t too far away for her now
Let us never lose
the joy of our salvation

In the still of the night
who knows what comes to us
is death around the corner
or will this be like the woman
who in her 40s was bitten
by a brown recluse spider
paralized now
for the last 15 years

Must we watch the decline
I wish it were okay
to unplug life
in mercy
for love
Family has already had
their chance to say goodbye
but phone is quiet these days
it’s just dad and i
and jesus
and the holy spirit
and god
and the angels
nobody else now
but i guess that’s enough
half smile
cuz that’s a lot

I shall not be afraid
nor will i be shaken
for death is the destiny of all
eternal life is the destiny of all
but for those whose eternal life is death
I dare not think

The reality of mama’s transition
in God’s good time
by His grace
is good
He will call her home
He’ll call us all home
God’s on the hotline
reaches through the crossed wires
and winds mama up
one more time
i don’t know why
god keeps winding her up
but maybe it’s just for daddy

Daddy comes in again
Says my eldest brother needs to come
adding he himself was too busy
when his mama died
“Never got to see where my mama was buried”
daddy said
“never saw my sister again”
but daddy won’t talk about that

Mama sleeps now
with God in her room
and daddy, too
and everthing’s okay
in God I trust

4 am
Dear God,
help mama and daddy.
amen